YALIES, ELECT RFK Jr. FOR PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES

The Yeasty Catheter & Jay-Zesty

Well, Yalies, election season is upon us again, and the Instagram stories of the most annoying people you know are once again ramming their views down your throat. So naturally, we thought we’d get in line. After carefully considering each of the candidates and binge-watching Season 12 of Curb Your Enthusiasm, Rumpus proudly endorses RFK Jr. to lead the free world. 

RFK has vowed to be a president for all Americans, even those who are vaccinated. Today, the idea that the president should have the entire nation’s interests at heart feels almost revolutionary and crude. No one but RFK could be trusted to excavate Bill Gates’ microchip from the depths of Rump Daddy’s ass (we should’ve known the New Haven CVS vaccine clinic was sketchy). A President RFK would embrace Prince Albert piercings for all Americans and restore public confidence in the government’s strategic supply of dental dams. Furthermore, RFK would show the American people how to properly harvest roadkill bear carcasses and hide the remains in some of our nation’s great public parks. He would return a respect for incels and childless cat ladies. 

RFK wants to go above and beyond traditional tests of presidential fitness, challenging his opponents to a cognitive exam, a push-up contest, and a deep-throat-off. Obviously, RFK’s sharp worm-eaten brain, juicy jugs, and deflowered vocal cords can beat the likes of fatass Trump, Sleepy-Joe-falling-off-a-bike-or-down-Air-Force-One-blaming-the-wind Biden, and even noted coconut-tree-faller Harris. Not only this, but RFK is a trailblazing environmental justice lawyer who has spent the greater part of the last three decades advocating for better treatment of our planet.

Rumpus came treacherously close to endorsing the Donald J. Trump and JD Vance (LAW ’13 and husband of 50 Most ‘06) ticket. When we heard about Vance’s love for lugging his lump into couch leather, this board was immediately intrigued. He just seemed so relatable and pure. We quickly ordered ourselves a copy of Vance’s titular “Hillbilly Elegy” and skipped past all of the political shit to get to page 179 and read that oh-so-sweet paragraph. But nothing. What?! We wasted $18.99 just to hear about some white people doing drugs in Kentucky? Horny voters matter, JD; we’re disappointed you couldn’t faithfully represent your constituents. We had no choice but to shift our support to the hottie hunk RFK.

While we here at Rumpus fashion ourselves as free thinkers, we admit it’s possible that this decision was affected by celebrity influencers. As children, we watched Aaron Rodgers, high as a kite and vaccine-free, push the boundaries of physical harm you can legally inflict on another human. So it’s no surprise that we shaped our entire worldview around creepy ultramasculine icons, which rationalizes the sway of these physical and intellectual giants. We can only hope that you, the reader, feel the same way about Rumpus.

So remember to go to the polls on November 6th and elect RFK Jr. for President of the United States. Or just mail you and your dead grandma’s ballots to:

Mar-a-Lago, Trump Election Integrity Suite

1100 S Ocean Blvd, Palm Beach, FL 33480