BEST PLACES TO HOST A CAMPUS ORGY
Dick Ramdass
WLH: If you’re feeling traditional, the WLH basement is always a good bet. With its great lighting, easily wipeable tables and a-capella groups to drown out your whimpers, it’s no wonder this space has been dubbed Whimperers Love (it) Here!
Dwight Hall: Yes! The one on Old Campus! Not only can you service your community, but you can get yourself serviced in there too! Bonus points if you use the chapel, legend has it if you moan at the right frequency the echoes sound exactly like that one sexy professor wiping his chalky hands on his tight khakis (you know who I’m talking about).
Sterling: We know what you’re thinking, of course you can host an orgy in the stacks! But when we say Sterling, we are referring to the Nave. Not only is this space *ran through* by naked athletes twice a year, but the wide open space is suitable for even the largest orgies. If you’re lucky, you can spot the ghost of Sterling himself! It is often said that his ghostly cum holds the library together, so help Yale save some money on repairs and give S-Dog a show!
Woodbridge Hall: This small building in Beinecke Plaza has been under construction forever, but as we mourn the loss of Stinky Pete, what better way to honor his memory than to perform a circle jerk, which is known to make Peter Salivate.
Harkness Tower: it may be skinny, but at least it’s tall (which is what your mom said about us last night). This structure erects proudly from Branford College, and with its charming bells you don’t even need a sex playlist! Let’s be real, there is nothing more sensual than busting as a skinny white nerd plays the Minecraft soundtrack like nobody’s business.
Hillhouse Avenue: now we know what you’re thinking, and orgy in one of the Hillhouse mansions would be so aesthetic! WRONG! This recommendation is to host your orgy directly on the road. There is a reason Mark Twain dubbed this Americas most beautiful street, and it is not for the beautiful homes with manicured lawns and stunning trees, it is because of the beautiful hoes with manicured pubes and stunning shafts that make this street their playground every Tuesday at 11.
Steep: last but certainly not least, we have the fan favorite steep cafe. Standing proudly over science hill, this space is known for its delicious oat milk lattes and pastries. A lesser known fact is that at night, this cafe becomes home to a whole different kind of oat milk. That’s right! The vegans have turned this spot into their sensual seductive space (not to be confused with SSS, which gets less play than Chi Psi brothers during pledge week). Try it out for a good granola flavored time!