GHeav to Institute Breathalyzer for Admittance

Sol Thomson

Good Nature Market on Broadway - a supermarket to some, a dining establishment to others, and a home for all. A night at Yale isn’t considered complete without a trip to GHeav and the purchase of a sandwich that is anything but gourmet. A Yale mainstay since the early 2010’s, GHeav is the veritable Ellis Island of weekend warriors, providing food, drink, and shelter for the shivering, drunk masses. The golden glow of the windows, the smell of Gobblers and Spicy Chicken Sandwiches, and the near-endless varieties of snacks have given many students the second wind they’ve needed to brave Lake Place, or just make the walk home.

However, the 24/7 hour supermarket has instituted a monumental change of policy that has shaken the very foundation of Yale. As of February 20th, GHeav patrons, in order to enter the shop from midnight to 8AM, must fail a breathalyzer. That is, blow a .08. “It was a decision that was made after serious consideration,” said Chung Cho, owner and proprietor. “We conducted multiple, in-depth studies of behavioral dynamics during what many consider our peak hours. What we found was that sober students were not only taking up seats and not purchasing food, but were reluctant to repeatedly order Gobblers and chocolate, like many of our inebriated patrons.”

Rumpus was skeptical. After all, we are Rumpus. So, we sent three focus groups of 5 students to GHeav, some sober and some blackout drunk. As our collected data suggests, Cho’s analysis was correct. Sober students were shown to purchase a normal amount of food, and eat in a timely manner. Yes, they were well-behaved and clean, but were frugal, and were “really fucking lame,” as one of the blackout focus groups remarked. Intoxicated students were another animal altogether.  The intoxicated students were less likely to put back overpriced items after bringing them to the register. Along with every student ordering a sandwich, sales of cookies, chocolate, coconut water, soda, and powerade tripled. The drunk students also were more willing to crowd a table and join tables of strangers with no provocation.

The implication of breathalyzer-contingent admission to GHeav has worried students and administration alike, but Cho doesn’t seem to want to stop with his pursuit of capital. The supermarket’s administration has thrown around the idea of a “high test,” which would entail peeing in a cup. THC levels would need to exceed a certain level in order to purchase any candy, chips, or chocolate. “The munchies market is largely in our hands. We’re aware and we’re looking to capitalize,” said Josh, the ever-cheery cashier and possible WestWorld android. However, many DKE brothers are concerned about the high test, stating that it’s difficult for them to control their penises when high.