CONFESSIONS OF AN A CAPPELLA REJECT
My name is AJ Nakash, and I am an A Cappella Reject.
Let me start by saying this: I have no natural singing ability. What I do have, however, is the insensible audacity of a world-class performer. I have never gone to an a cappella concert and thought, "Wow, I wish I could sing." No. I’ve gone and thought, "Why isn’t anyone clapping for me?"
You see, I’m not delusional. I’m just extremely self-aware and, obviously, magnificent. I know perfectly well that if I were to sing on stage, eardrums would bleed and heads would explode. But—and this is a very important but—I also know that applause should follow me everywhere I go, regardless of skill. Where are my flowers? Where is my applause? I am important. I might as well be the very definition of Importance itself.
Anyway, I figured if I rushed a cappella, they’d have to clap for me, right? So, being the attention-whore that I am, I rushed every single group, despite the fact that I have zero intention of joining any of them. Why? Because I’m AJ Nakash, and if I want applause, I’ll damn well get it.
The Alley Cats
This audition started off with a lot of unnecessary exercise. They had me doing push-ups, laps around the room, and even vocal warmups while in a handstand. When I finally started singing, they barked at me. I assumed it was a bark-for-bad, meow-for-good system—since, you know, cats—but no one meowed. Not one single meow. I stood there, waiting for the inevitable standing ovation, but instead, they pointed at the door and told me to get out.
No applause. This was a violation of my rights as AJ Nakash.
Mixed Company
This one was a disaster of biblical proportions. They asked me to sing with a quartet, but apparently, I needed to know how to read sheet music. The last time I tried to read sheet music my piano teacher kicked me out of class and her parrot killed himself, so needless to say I didn’t do well in that portion. If there was ever a note I couldn’t hit or something that sounded flat, I tried to make a self-deprecating joke to fish for a loose compliment, but they didn’t bite. They kind of just stared at me and went on with the audition.
Polite applause. I guess not everyone is ready for greatness.
Living Water
Hi AJ, we unfortunately heard from another group that you are not auditioning with any genuine intention to join Living Water. As a result, we will be cancelling your sign-up so as to make room for other potential auditionees. Thanks for your understanding.
No Analysis.
RedHot and Blue
Like the Alley Cats, they also had me begin the audition with a lap around the room, probably something to do with testing breath control. I was then instructed to tap dance, on a carpet, wearing sneakers, in Timothy Dwight of all places, before vocal warmups. For my solo, I performed “Rockstar” by Nickelback because I had a little cold and I thought the rasp in my voice would give the song a little somethin-somethin.
Yay applause. They’re catching on!
Doox of Yale
This was an adventure in lunacy. I walked in to the sound of “Country Roads” being sung badly—on purpose, I assume, because no one can be that off-key without meaning to be—except for me, that is. They challenged me to a breakdancing competition that oddly involved a lot of tongue, and when I lost, I had to do the Camp Rock chant around the room. Then I had to sing “I been a nasty girl” in seven styles and three different languages. On my way out, I was handed a drawing of a hairy penis—apparently meant to be me—and when I tried to leave, they blocked the door, telling me that it was only for winners.
No applause. But the penis they drew was big, so I’ll take it! As a compliment.
The New Blue
During introductions, members shared their favorite words, including "clitoris", “anal beads”, “69”, and "flavored condoms". For my word, I picked “gender equality” because I’m an enlightened king, and clapped for myself like they do on Family Feud. Their warmups were accompanied by burpees, pushups, and pistol squats, and during my solo, two members turned their backs on me like it was The Voice—except the opposite. Finally, they asked me to do a primal roar to let out all my rage against the patriarchy. It. Was. Epic.
Some applause. Most of the applause was for the roar, but I’ll allow it.
Shades
I booked my audition for a Saturday, as Sunday auditions were held at the Afro American Cultural Center, and I didn’t think that was the right setting for my grand experiment. They needed to see if I had rhythm, so they had me grind to “Pony” by Ginuwine, which, obviously, I nailed. I asked what they wanted me to sing and they requested I Was Born by the River, Wading in the Water, and a certain song about Paris by Jay-Z and Kanye West… so I went with Rockstar again.
Some okayyyys. Which, let’s be real, is applause in spirit.
Something Extra
They wear gloves (red, opera length), so I wore gloves (white, plastic from Silliman dining hall). Synergy, right? Wrong. They thought I was a germaphobe, but I was just committing to the bit. During intros, they all said their favorite cheeses, but I haven't eaten dairy in 7 years so I had to lie and say shredded. They skipped warm-ups and asked to see some talent, so I did the Renegade and beatboxed. I sang “22” by Taylor Swift for my solo and the crowd was JUMPING!
Hella applause. Finally, they understood who they were dealing with.
The SOBs
They explained that they honor an ancient Mayan tradition by playing "Rock, Paper, Scissors" before opening the door. Cultural appropriation much? After banging three times (haha sex), instead of the door opening, I was met with a cacophony of shouts, barks, and shrieks. The SOB leading me down suddenly began panicking, claiming a centuries-old curse had awakened a star-matter monster intent on destroying the human race. I was told to run upstairs, where they warned me that the prophecy foretold that he wouldn’t rest until I was dead. They told me to run far away and never return.
No applause. Just doom and gloom. Sigh.
The Baker’s Dozen
They welcomed me into the room with applause, now that’s what I’m talking about. It was a very standard, straightforward audition, other than the part where they threw shoes at me while I sang. Shoe throwing aside, I thought I nailed this one. I texted a BD after the audition to ask, “Am I crazy or did I kill that?” He replied “You are,” then corrected it to “You ate.” I still took offense.
Solid applause. They know talent when they see it.
Proof of the Pudding
This audition was a little dull in comparison to the others, I do not think they were very happy to see me because one member informed me that I was interrupting/ending their lunch break. Oops? All that aside, it was also a pretty standard audition. Warmups, solos, the usual. They did, however, skip the quartet—probably to avoid me overshadowing their voices. For my solo, I sang “Best of Both Worlds” because Women!.
Polite applause. Only from two members tho.
Cadence
I was led into the room by a person holding a stuffed lion named Dimitri and then instructed to do the Chicken Dance ten times, which is about as normal as these things go. For warm-downs, I had to pretend to be a ghost named John and haunt the room in a low register. To test my range, they requested an evil laugh, but when I added a cackle, they said it was “giving monkey”. For my solo, they had me serenade a stuffed Buc-ee beaver with “Chandelier” by Sia, followed by “Womp Womp Womp” by James Charles.
No applause. Maybe I hallucinated the whole thing, so I’ll forgive them.
Pitches and Tones
A fairly normal audition. I sang Best of Both Worlds again because after 4 days of auditions I was too aware of the lyrics in Rockstar to sing it in front of any more women. They gave me a pitch-matching exercise, and even though I failed to hit the sixth note, I hit every other one with my golden vocal cords of talent.
Polite applause. Deserved. Obviously.
Out of the Blue
I wore a blue jacket so I could make a joke about getting “out of the blue,” when I took it off. It landed SO well! For warm-ups, I had to “bawk” like a chicken going up and down the scale, and I nailed it! They wanted to hear me sing with the group, so I beatboxed along to a Billie Eilish song! For my solo, they requested “Chains on Me” from Phineas and Ferb, which I had never heard, so I pulled up the lyrics and made up the beat. It was AWESOME! They started throwing things at me and dancing, so I think I did really well.
Insane applause. Best audition yet! Finally, the recognition I deserve!
Now you may be thinking, hey AJ, you forgot the Spizzwinks, why didn't you audition for the Spizzwinks? That is a wonderful question, I’m so glad you asked! I tried to schedule an audition several times with several different rush coordinators, however at the time this is being published, I have still yet to hear back.
I didn’t get a callback. Not a single tap, not even a measly rush meal. I did, however, receive an “encouraging” email basically saying that rush is extremely competitive and it's natural to feel worthless after being rejected by every group?
On a more serious note, I think it’s wild that a decision you make in your first week of your freshman year completely defines your Yale experience. How do you know you’re making the right decision when you barely have any context to base it on? First years don’t know who they are yet or even who they want to be.
That's not my problem though, I know who I am, and I’m incredible! My life rocks! While I didn’t get the uproarious applause I had originally set out for (and deserve), I still got attention, which is honestly just as good. Since I had no plans of joining in the first place, I wasn’t rejected by a cappella—they were rejected by me. Applause or not, I’m still the greatest. Who’s clapping now?
Everyone, obviously.
Doox + OOTB leaked audition footage!