DISCRIMINATION ON THE BASIS OF FORESKIN

TurkeyClubNoTomatoes

I believe it was a Wednesday in mid-April - my first time hooking up with a British girl. We had just started making out when she reached down to unbuckle my belt. Within a minute, I was naked from the waist down and I hear an audible “Oh?”. Immediately, I assumed it was a size issue, I’d always thought I had a Goldilocks dick - not too big, not too small, but juuust right - but maybe standards were a little different on the other side of the pond. I asked if everything was okay, and she replied saying, “Yeah it’s fine, you’re just cut.”

Those words stuck with me. What did she mean? Did she want me to be uncircumcised? Was that a thing girls preferred? If so, this was my first time hearing of it. I had always been proud to be circumcised, confident that it was the more desirable option. I thought the only people who preferred uncut cocks were twitter gays who did poppers in club bathrooms and listened to CharliXCX. I couldn’t help but wonder: in the digital age of ever changing micro-trends, were hoodies back in fashion?

I knew that uncut was the norm over in the UK, and I had blindly assumed that everyone in the US was cut. It wasn’t until I shared my experience with my fellow American friends that they revealed themselves to be uncircumcised and proud?!?!?!? Lost beyond words, and my world view going up in flames, I desperately needed validation of my preconceptions…so I took to the polls.

YALE IS 62% PENIS!

As it turns out, 60% of Yale men are circumcised, with 97% being circumcised as a child by their parents and only 3% choosing to do so as an adult. While 20% of them had previously wished to be uncircumcised, only 8 individuals had ever felt ashamed of being cut. Coincidentally, 7 of whom had previously been denied entry as a direct result of their circumcision. When asked for quotes on their stance, the cut said: “It’s prettier this way. If not for pain, I wouldn’t be lain”, “i love my cut dick he’s my classy little guy”, “A part of me is gone but my soul still remains”, “Sometimes I miss my lil turtleneck! The lil guy gets cold sometimes and becomes an even lil'er guy but I guess it's ok, I take good care of him anyway”, and “ain’t nobody got time for cheese”.

In contrast, 18% of the uncircumcised crowd had felt ashamed of being uncut, and 10% had seriously considered getting circumcised. Uncut dicks were denied entry three times more than circumcised ones, indicating a clear preference on Yale’s views. Notable quotes include: “They call us the uncut gems”, “Foreskins are beautiful”, “I’m European and I’m proudly uncut that’s the norm for us, for an entire continent so this taboo in the States seems weird for us! It’s natural, it’s sensitive, it’s all of us and we (and the girls) love it, we don’t even question it so absolutely no need to feel ashamed!”, “My friend who is circumcised sometimes calls me nasty for having "dick cheese." I wash my dick regularly and I do not, in fact, have dick cheese. This is a generalization being made against uncircumcised people and I feel violated. Even if I did have dick cheese, so what? This does not concern you because I am not having sex with you! Anyways just a few nice little words on circumcision :) Food for thought! My two cents.”, and “That circumcision shit is dumb. I had a whole conversation with a girl who was weirded out by the idea of foreskin. She was like "what do I do with it." "Umm... Pull it back!" I told her how it's actually super useful but, like all things, need to be managed. In the end she was like "cool.... Anyways I'm going to snip my son" Never hear a guy talking about wanting to snip the hood a clit. Would never make comments on a girl's who-ha.” As a whole, the uncircumcised crowd seems to think a lot more about the subject, possibly because while the cut can never reverse their circumcision, the uncut always have the option - which is not something they should decide lightly.

EXACTLY 50% OF YALE’S STUDENT POPULATION LIKES PENIS!

Of the 50% that DO like penis, 44% don’t have a preference between cut and uncut, 39% prefer cut, and only 17% prefer an uncut dick. Despite these preferences, only 6% of all penis-loving Yalies admitted to refusing to hook up with someone on the basis of foreskin. When asked for a reason as to why they held their preferences, the overwhelming majority of respondents said that they felt cut dicks were cleaner, some even citing the fact that they have received UTIs after hooking up with guys with uncut dicks. The second most submitted reason was aesthetics/just generally preferring the look of a circumcised penis. Moving away from these valid and diplomatic answers, some more notable ones include: “sometimes it stank nice”, “Beggars can’t be choosers”, “I don’t be giving no fuck”, “icky”, and “Get your turtleneck away from me—the fuck are you, an emotionally stunted Steve Jobs?”

In summary, while it appears that Yale does have a general preference when it comes to the cut vs uncut debate, discrimination on the basis of foreskin does not seem to be a major issue on Yale’s campus, if even an issue at all. So to answer my own question, in the digital age of ever changing micro-trends - I think we are seeing more hoodies than we have in the past, but like a trend, it’s really all about personal preference.