IN FOR A PENNY: NEW HAVEN MAYOR ANNOUNCES PLANS TO REMOVE ALL STOP SIGNS, TRAFFIC LIGHTS, INCREASE SPEED LIMIT TO 75 MPH

Hanky $panky

On Wednesday morning, New Haven Mayor Justin Elicker convened an impromptu press conference on the steps of City Hall to announce a groundbreaking new policy.

The mayor began by acknowledging disorderly driving present across the Elm City. “Let’s be honest. Traffic laws in New Haven are treated like a joke these days. Red lights appear to be a suggestion. Stop signs are ignored. Speeding is rampant — whether downtown, in residential neighborhoods, or near schools. Frankly, it’s unacceptable. The fact of the matter is that we live in a nation built on laws, and we have to collectively obey those laws…” At this, the mayor paused as a heavily tattooed man noisily wheeled up a portable amp through the crowd that had begun to congregate.

“Which is why today we’re tossing out the laws, you spineless cucks. Effectively immediately, we’re removing all stop signs and traffic lights while increasing the speed limit to 75 miles per hour across the city. My guys in city services are out there as we speak, kickin’ down poles and rippin’ out wires.”

By this point, reporters had begun flocking in. The mayor continued, “We have a host of other badass changes coming soon. For one, every car within New Haven city limits must have its muffler removed. Also, no more crosswalks. Why? Cause fuck ‘em. If your loser of a kid can’t make it across the street, that’s their problem. And listen, if you’re going to listen to music, it has to be at max volume. I’m telling you, your ears better be bleeding. And by the way, I highly recommend heavy metal to really boost the decibels…” At this, the Elicker looked over at the tattooed man with the amp, who was busy vaping; he looked up, flashed a toothy grin and furiously nodded to the mayor.

“Oh, yeah, and for all you pussy cyclists out there: bike helmets are illegal now.”

At this point, a reporter from WTNH interjected to ask what had prompted such a dramatic reversal in policy. Elicker looked down momentarily, growing solemn. “You know, it all traces back to last Friday night. I was a bit down in the dumps, walking home from the office, when some guy rolls up next to me in a vintage 1970 Chevrolet Chevelle. Cherry red. A real beauty — you had to see it. ‘Name’s Axel,’ he tells me. ‘And I’m gonna show you one hell of a night, Mr. Mayor.’ He tells me to get in. So I do. And we spend the next twelve hours cruising around the city. We didn’t stop for a single goddamn red light. Stop signs? Nope. We’re drinkin’, we’re smokin’, we’re drag racin’ anyone who’ll sack up. He’s got on this heavy metal playlist that just sucks the pain right out of you. Black Sabbath. Megadeth. Metallica. You name it. Around 9 we head over to the Hooters in Wethersfield and eat some wings, flirt with some ladies, mess around in the backseat. He drops me off back home as the sun starts rising. I never felt so real.”

The mayor paused briefly before resuming. “And you know what? You know what’s so goddamn fucked up about all of this? In the back of my mind, during all that pure ecstasy — that unadulterated liberation — I could only barely stop thinking about this hellish paper-pushing job I have, going to ribbon cuttings this and budget approvals that. I think about my god awful children and their endless soccer practices. I think about my sad, lifeless marriage. I mean — we’re at the point where my wife will watch C-SPAN while she gives me a handjob. I’m not even kidding, Do you know what that’s like? Do you understand how absolutely minimal — how, how unbelievably worthless I usually feel, Stephanie Brenner from WTNH? Yet for one brief evening with Axel, I felt more alive than I have for years combined. And I want everyone to be able to chase that feeling.”

As Ms. Brenner started to follow up, Elicker quickly interrupted. “Listen, I’m getting bored and I’m craving a cigarette like a motherfucker.”  He glanced over at the tattooed man, who was quite visibly dealing pills to a teenager. “Fuck it. I’m sick of this shit.” 

With that, the mayor yelled, “Axel, kick it!” After which the tattooed man started blasting Highway to Hell on the amp while Elicker donned a pair of Pit Vipers and shotgunned a Natty Light before hopping on a trick bike and joining a throng of teens doing wheelies in the middle of Church Street.