A Friday as a Yale Softboy
Sol Thomson
8:00 AM - Wake up
8:02 AM - Text 7 girls (All of whom I met at Sig Ep) “Good Morning beautiful 😉”
8:03 AM - Put all 7 aforementioned girls on Do Not Disturb
8:05 AM - Shower
8:20 AM - Brush teeth
8:23 AM - Dress for the day (Yale letter sweater, khakis, Tod’s loafers)
8:48 AM - Snackpass breakfast from Juicebox
8:49 AM - DM a puppy video/funny meme/tasty video to another 6 girls on Instagram
8:50 AM - Disable notifications for Instagram
9:20 AM - Eat breakfast on the way to L3 French
9:25 AM - Make small talk with the cute girl in French
10:20 AM - Head to Haas
10:30 AM - Arrive at Haas
10:35 AM - Work on a paper for Attraction and Relationships
2:05 PM - Message prospective hookup a playlist consisting of The Weeknd, Khalid and Frank Ocean
2:10 PM - Put prospective hookup on Do Not Disturb
2:15 PM - Sit in starbucks, gazing wistfully out of the window. I won’t drink the venti latte (With almond milk) I ordered
2:59 PM - Text ex girlfriend
3:00 PM - Cry into latte
4:15 PM - Head back to JE
4:30 PM - Post a photo on Instagram from the summer. Shirt must be off
4:32 PM - Nap
7:00 PM - Wake up
7:15 PM - Shower
7:35 PM - Stand in the bathroom until a girl from the suite across the hall enters
8:15 PM - Pretend to be embarrassed when a girl enters
8:20 PM - Dress for the night out (Polo shirt, Khakis, Stan Smiths)
8:22 PM - Do my hair
8:55 PM - Snap prospective hookups “see you at Sig Ep tonight.” Plan to leave all incoming snaps on open
8:58 PM - Pregame with the boys
9:21 PM - Post story of suitemate playing pong
9:22 PM - Snap ex girlfriend
9:23 PM - Cry into my Natty Light
10:45 PM - Head to Sig Ep
10:46 PM - Read messages from the notifications menu
10:50 PM - Arrive at Sig Ep
10:53 PM - Find prospective hookup. Ask her how her day was
10:54 PM - Mention that I’ve been in Haas grinding out a paper and haven’t had time to check my phone
10:55 PM - Pretend to care about how her day was
11:20 PM - Bring up an ex-girlfriend in the conversation
11:21 PM - Ask her to dance
11:34 PM - Hook up on the stairs behind Sig Ep
11:36 PM - Mention how beautiful she is
11:37 PM - Mention how I’ve been “Going through some tough shit lately”. Refuse to elaborate.
12:15 AM - Head to Box
12:19 AM - Arrive at Box
12:20 AM - Text ex-girlfriend
12:21 AM - Cry into my Tito’s
12:25 AM - Find prospective hookup. Ask her how her day was
12:26 AM - Mention that I’ve been in Haas grinding out a paper and haven’t had time to check my phone
12:27 AM - Pretend to care about how her day was
12:30 AM - Bring up an ex-girlfriend in the conversation
12:31 AM - Ask if she “wants to check out my art”
12:32 AM - Walk back to JE
12:37 AM - Arrive in my suite
12:38 AM - Offer intricate explanation for low-effort art I have hanging in my room
12:41 AM - Mention how I’ve been “Going through some tough shit lately”. Refuse to elaborate.
12:43 AM - Kiss her
12:44 AM - Sex
12:46 AM - Finish
12:48 AM - Pass out
2:46 AM - Wake up. Read all messages (read receipts on)
2:47 AM - Respond to all with “sorry, I’ve been buried with work”
2:47 AM - Text ex-girlfriend
2:48 AM - Check Instagram
2:48 AM - Call ex-girlfriend
2:49 AM - Leave message
2:50 AM - Cry silently into my pillow
2:53 AM - Open all snaps, decline to respond
2:57 AM - Fall asleep