Scroll and Key Full of Vampires!

Chase Ammon

The rituals surrounding the Big Three Societies (Skull and Bones, Scroll and Key, and Wolf’s Head, for those of you living under a rock) have been long shrouded in secrecy. It has been Rumpus’ mission over our twenty-five years of investigative journalism (shout out to us) to reveal to you—the majority too mediocre for acceptance into these bastions of exclusion—the truth behind the tombs. Today, Rumpus has discovered one of Scroll and Key’s oldest rituals.

Vampires have been recorded in the folklore of most cultures, and yet, our society believes them fictitious. Rumpus urges you to ask yourself, could this be the case? If vampirism has been documented so thoroughly in the stories of our world, could these creatures truly be imagined?

On October 14th, a current member of Scroll and Key, we’ll call him Pat, completed one of its oldest and most dangerous rituals. It began as a normal day in the tomb—the Keysmen and WOMEN debated the essays they had written that week, probably—but boy was Patty in for a surprise. From the vaulted ceiling a creature, awoken by The Ancient Spirit, descended upon him. It was a bat and it bit him on the head. This is the truth.  

He was rushed to the hospital, but they were not fast enough. His body transformed—his teeth elongated, his skin paled, his reflection vanished. He did not sparkle. His girlfriend could not even kiss him because she had eaten Tarry Lodge and that shit is garlicy.

Scroll and Key is an anagram for Dark Nosy Cell, and that’s what we call our lair, so it was just a matter of time before Rumpus found out about their little secret ritual. It’s a good thing we did because none of us are safe! Next time you pass College and Wall and stare at those embellished gates, stay woke: the price one pays for Scroll and Key is bloodlust. You up, Yale? Because you’re not alone. Vampires are up too. Your dad could even be a vampire if you’re a dirty legacy.

Halloween is almost here and vampires are coming out to play. You never know when they’ll bite.

Seriously, though. How funny is it that literal bats live inside of Scroll and Key? Talk about on-brand! We wish Pat a speedy recovery and hope he knows that Rumpus is a kinky freak always down for some bite action.