GREEK RANK IS THE GREATEST THEATER OF THE ABSURD EVER TO GRACE HUMANITY

Mariah Kreutter

GreekRank, GreekRank, GreekRank. How do we love thee? Let us count the ways.

What other website provides us with such scintillating hot takes as “Everyone in Leo is Homosexual (Not a problem, just a fact)” by the poet, philosopher, and bard known only as Truth seeker?

Where else could we find dialogue as rhetorically brilliant and heartrending as this exchange on a thread about which sororities are truly “top-tier”:

WEIRD: I heard someone in theta has a pet rat sooooo...???

MEME: i heard someone in SIGEP from TEN YEARS ago had a pet rat!

Where else would anyone use the phrases “YDN article” and “legitimize” in the same sentence?

What other apocalyptic naysayer can measure up to the enigmatic prophet who goes only by the probing moniker of Is it the end of days?, spitting omens like this one: “Alpha kappa Phi will be the death of this university. May they be destroyed by Phi theta Leo as they are clearly the only not racist, elitist, light skinned, de Greenwich group of people we have left.” ? We here at Rumpus are quaking in our fashionably thick-heeled leather ankle boots.

Where else can we watch a bunch of Yale sorority girls/Estonian bots posing as Yale sorority girls debating which of their brethren is the most racist/irrelevant/elitist/likely to “self rank”? It’s like reality TV, on the internet!

GreekRank isn’t just a message board for people who care too much about Greek life to bitch at each other. It’s a window into a whole new world for those of us who weren’t rich or attractive or athletic enough to get a bid, but still care exceedingly about the petty, life-giving drama that flows from High Street like sweet, sweet ambrosia. Ask not if the posters are actually Yale students, because to do so would be to miss the point. With GreekRank it’s about the story of the wreck — the myth and not the thing itself. All that matters is, for one beautiful moment, you get to believe that someone in Pi Phi really typed with their own hands “PI PHI IS NEVER GOING TO COMPETE WITH KAPPA THATS JUST SAD GOODBYE KAPPA LOSERS” and meant it. It’s a glorious farce, an abyss that doesn’t just gaze back but actually calls you an irrelevant rando before insisting racism doesn’t exist. It is, simply put, the greatest theater of the absurd ever to grace humanity.