THANKS FOR NOTHING, KEN

N.A.

This year in Rumpus, we’ve learned that political satire is an art form. Granted, it’s an art form I don’t have a clue about, but I do have a high school degree and listen to NPR regularly so tbh who really needs qualifications. Originally, I wanted to write a fake campaign platform for Kenneth Bone, and it was going to be really funny. I’m talking bent over and spitting out your Blue State chaider hilarious – don’t worry, of course you’re wearing duck boots. But all good things must come to an end, and it took all of two days for someone to find Ken’s Reddit account before it all went to shit. So, naturally, we had to alter out initial message. Now the Kenneth Bone presidential campaign message would have to read something like:

“Vote Kenneth Bone in 2016: He Has a Funny Name and is Conventionally Unattractive, So of Course He Became an Overnight Internet Phenomenon, But He’s Also Said Questionable Things Online That Will Likely Come Back to Bite Him in the Ass, Just Like Every Other Middle-Aged Normie With Wifi . #bonezone2016”

Nothing gets people going quite like a story about the average American, and that’s exactly what Kenneth represents: he’s white, overweight, and blessed with a passable porn name. If you ask us, Kenneth Bone is pretty much a casting call waiting to happen, and we’re just about ready to blow our meager savings to produce Welcome to the Bone Zone starring Kenneth Bone and the entire cast of Duck Dynasty, set at a your local Arby’s – sweet potato fries are $2.69 extra. Need we even mention his uncanny resemblance to Al McWhiggin (arguably a much better or much worse porn name than Kenneth Bone, depending on your taste), the creepy bald toy dude from Toy Story 2?

So suck it up kids, the Ken Bone phenomenon is dead. We saw enough guys in fatsuits and red sweaters last weekend to pop a blood vessel, even though the Ken Bone x Sexy? Nun Overhead post was an instant classic. We’re going to do the world a favor and buy out all the red LZod quarter-zips that are left to make some timeless Rumpus apparel for our Winter Line, then hike the price beyond your wildest dreams. You’re welcome.