HOW TO SURVIVE A TRUMP PRESIDENCY

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This season of the hit reality TV show America feels like a really late reboot of that series of movies starring Rick Moranis in which the entire premise is that he inadvertently shrinks a bunch of shit. Except this time it’s Honey We Just Might Be Screwed Because We Just Elected This Guy:

In my last article, I proudly declared that I don’t have a clue about political satire. That was two weeks ago, and I still haven’t learned anything. Now I just feel like someone retconned the entirety of Orange Is The New Black into a story about an oompa loompa moving into the White House. On the bright side, just as Charlie and the Chocolate factory was a defining moment of my childhood, so will be the year we elected an objectively racist misogynist to our highest political office. At the very least, we hope The Donald knows that the Rumpus pussy grabs back. Without further ado, here is Rumpus’ meticulously crafted Guide to Surviving a Trump Presidency.

If at all possible, be a straight white male

Trump wants to unite a nation that is heavily divided based on race, but that sounds like a lot of time and energy that could be better spent on Long Island. Why bother trying to relate with people who don’t share your arbitrary social classification designed to marginalize non-‘white’ people based on the color of their skin when you’ll just never have to worry about it anyway? Bonus points if you don’t see color or have one black friend from high school.

2. Tell your parents to cash out their 401(K) and dump their life savings into Taco Bell

Now that the races are going to be united, we’re obviously going to see more ‘ethnic’ foods dotting the average American’s palate. Rumpus’ dedicated team of financial analysts (i.e. Josh Tarplin, currently halfway through his torrented copy of The Intelligent Investor) predicts a 75% surge in demand for authentic cultural foods across the board. In just two years, the Taco Bowl will be our national dish, fried chicken will be our only source of protein, and avocado toast will be a required menu item at just about any self-respecting establishment. The future is bright.

3. Plan for a career in politics, regardless of your experience or qualifications

Whatever career path you’ve been considering for yourself, if it doesn’t somehow involve acceding to political office without any prior experience, it’s not going to be worth your time. If we’ve learned anything this election cycle, it’s that qualifications aren’t good for anything – why waste your time grinding out intermediate micro psets when you could just study culinary science and run for mayor? Be sure to emphasize how your lack of prior experience in the field will make you better than everyone else, e.g. “I know cooking better than anyone – I’m going to cook up the greatest laws this city/state/country has ever seen. They’re all going to be great, delicious really, like the seasoning we don’t have on our food, but on the constitution.”

4. Start Hoarding Coal

Since climate change is now a moot point, coal is obviously going to see resurgence in the global energy sector. In fact, the entire solar industry will have a mass epiphany and go back to coal mining like the good old days. Elon Musk has even hinted he will liquidate Tesla and open a steel mill. Once the rest of the world realizes that coal is our Lord and Savior and that manufacturing jobs are the only way forward in the globalized modern economy, expect the hundreds of bags of coal you had the foresight to stash in your garage to appreciate dramatically. Sell your coal and use the profits to invest in Taco Bell, Popeye’s, and Whole Foods.

5. Protect Yourself

Now that 53% of male voters likely feel empowered to grab at your loins with reckless abandon, Rumpus recommends you purchase our patented electrified baseball cup. If you pre-order before the inauguration, we’ll throw in our prototype razor-blade studded chainmail gauntlets, so you can join in on all the loin-grabbing fun. You won’t believe the look of surprise on a man’s face the next time he tries to grope you and ends up with charred palms and a punctured urethra.

*Tip #5 is geared towards women for reasons that should be painfully obvious, but Rumpus encourages everyone to arm themselves against the coming hordes of frenzied crotch-grabbing men – stay woke, people*